What If?
by forensicsfan
Summary: SN. Post-Ep for Bloodlines.


**Post-Ep to Bloodlines for my fellow Snickers.   
**  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own them, I didn't create them, and I don't profit from them.

* * *

The thought occurred to me as I threaded my arm through his. I was working up my courage to say something. Hell, I'd been working up my courage through the three beers I'd had. I congratulated him on his almost promotion and I think I really meant it, but then he flashed that smile at me and said something that was too true.  
  
It was hard for me to admit that to him. It was hard to think that I wasn't the one who had gotten the nod from Grissom. I wasn't his favorite CSI anymore, and even though on a personal level I had come to terms with his rejection, him rejecting me on a professional level hurt even deeper.  
  
So my courage flew away like the wind and I headed to my car after smiling back at Nick. And now, I keep asking myself, what if I had said what was on my mind? After I'd climbed behind the wheel, I'd thought about just going over to his house, I mean I actually turned the car in the direction of his house instead of my own, but then fate cruelly intervened when I saw the red and blue in my rearview mirror. What if I hadn't had a drink at all?  
  
I ask myself these things as I try and drift off to sleep, tears of shame stinging my eyes. Of all the people to see me like that, it had to be Grissom. And now I kept asking myself if only.  
  
I can't sleep so I pick up the phone. I know Nick needs his sleep, but I need to talk, I need him. I don't want him hearing about this from someone else, and maybe, just maybe it's time I told him what I'd wanted to all night.  
  
His voice is groggy when he answers the phone, but then he hears the hitch in my voice and he's suddenly alert and concerned. I can't hold back the sniffle and I know that he knows that I'm not really ok. He just tells me he's coming over and then hangs up. Not more than ten minutes later, he's on my doorstep looking very worried.  
  
"Where's your car?" He'd apparently noticed that it wasn't in the parking lot and then his brow furrows as I feel a tear slipping down my cheek. "Are you ok?"  
  
I think I must have shook my head because in the next instant he's enveloped me in a hug and I'm soaking his shirt with my tears.  
  
I don't recall walking over to the couch, but when I stop crying that's where we are. His arms are around me and his chin is resting on top of my head. I take a few deep breaths and then I begin to tell him what happened. He doesn't say a word, he just hugs me closer and I can feel him kissing the top of my head.  
  
I pull back and I look into his eyes and all I see there is concern and adoration. I think I realized at that moment that he would move heaven and earth for me if he could. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed and I find myself unable to say anything. I just continued to look into his eyes and somehow, I find that courage that left me so easily earlier.  
  
Tentatively, I lean up and softly touch my lips against his. It lasts a fraction of a second and then as I pull away, I can feel him leaning towards me and pressing his lips against mine, softly, gently. I've wanted this for so long.  
  
I pull away from him for a moment, I hope my eyes tell him the story because again, words are failing me. I stand up, taking his hand, pulling him with me.  
  
He leans in and softly captures my lips again. This time it's more intense, infused with a bit of passion.  
  
I take a step backward and find myself sliding my arms around his neck as the kiss between us deepens and becomes an exploration. It's as if things between us have been slowly smoldering for a long time and the spark ignited by that kiss had caused us to literally combust. I have to think about whether breathing is really necessary if it means pulling my mouth away from his. And yet we continued stumbling backwards.  
  
I feel the wall in the hallway pressing into my back for a moment as Nick presses his body against mine. All of it is too much and yet not nearly enough. I find myself tugging at the hem of his shirt. I want it off of him, but at the same time, I don't want to lose the sensation of his body against mine for even a second. Disposing of his shirt wins out momentarily and then our lips are on each other again.  
  
As we stumble into my bedroom, I can see his eyes questioning mine, wanting to know if this is really what I want. I silence his concerns by pulling my pajama top over my head and pressing myself against him I place a searing kiss on his mouth. The sensation of my flesh against his is intoxicating, so much so that I want more, I need more.  
  
I can feel his fingers tangling in my hair as his tongue continues exploring my mouth. His other hand is gripping my butt and it's at that moment that I realize that my pajama pants lost their battle with gravity in the last few moments and I didn't even notice. My fingers move on their own to his fly and then begin to tug his jeans downward.  
  
By the time we make it to my bed, there is a scattering of clothing across the bedroom floor and then it's bare flesh to bare flesh as our hands and lips explore each other freely.  
  
I am acutely aware of the sensation of the softness of the sheet against my back and I'm strangely thankful that I got talked into buying something with such a high thread count. I can feel his fingers touching, exploring, caressing and as I do the same, there is no need for words.  
  
And then we're there. He's looking into my eyes, poised over me with passion in his eyes to match my own. I can feel my head going back and a soft gasp escaping my mouth as I feel him enter me. The sensation of the outside of his thighs against the inside of mine is indescribable. I lock eyes with him as he begins to move in me and suddenly I'm struck with how amazing this moment is. I'm engaged in the most intimate dance on the planet with my best friend. That thought alone is almost enough to push me over the edge. In fact it doesn't take either of us very long and as he begins to pull away, I wrap my arms around him and hold him to me. I'm not ready to let go quite yet. I want to feel the sensation of him filling me up a little while longer.  
  
He places soft kisses against my face and finally I let go of him and let him roll onto his back. He pulls me with him and as I lie there in his arms, our legs tangled together, I'm not asking myself what if anymore. I can't change the past, but I really hope that he's part of my future, and as he leans over and softly kisses me again, he whispers something into my ear that gives me confidence.  
  
He loves me.

The End.


End file.
